As an avid chili pepper eater[I tell people battery acid on every meal makes me happy] I found this to be particularly funny. It was funny before I edited it for language, but you can put that back in for your friends...

TEXAS CHILI CONTEST
> >
> > Texas Chili Contest
> >
> > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
> > for you. Note: Please take time to read this
> > slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> > the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
> > Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
> > about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
> > parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
> > inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
> > Springfield, IL.
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> > directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> > assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> > be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> > during the tasting, so I accepted".
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - (Frank) -Holy s#it, what the h#ll is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
> >
> > Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> > when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> > Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> > my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s#it-faced
> > from all the beer.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the beer
> > maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is
> > starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> > chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> > by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
> > burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges
> > asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w those rednecks.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > garlic. Superb.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I s#it on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> > will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> > except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a#s
> > with a snow cone.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> > peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> > worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
> > is cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> > chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
> > to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Scr*w it;
> > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> > Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
> > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> > reacted to really hot chili?
> >
> > Judge # 3 - No Report

> >