# Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

# If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

# Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

# I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

# So what's the speed of dark?

# After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

# Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

# If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

# I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

# Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

# Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

# If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

# Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

# Whose cruel idea was it for the word `lisp' to have an 's' in it?

# How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

# If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

# Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

# Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

# Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

# Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

# If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

# What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

# If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

# Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

# When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

# Do fish get cramps after eating?

# Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

# Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new?

# If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

# When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

# Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

# Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

# Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

# How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

# Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

# Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?

# Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

# Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

# Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

# Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its '4s'?

# What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

# Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

# Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

# Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

# Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

# I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

# If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

# Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?