I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. 

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities. 

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity. 

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.