Syd, I don't know about you but I felt like a nut talking about it to my family (like my dad) because he just doesn't understand.  He was dumbfounded to see me so upset, but he is one of those people who hates cats.  It definitely takes an animal lover to understand the feelings behind it.  I'm just glad I'm not the only animal nut out there...lol

Kitty, what you said about the beast and the draining of the life force.....that was actually interesting and I was like "dang, I wanted to read more"...lol.  Is that called a particular thing?  Do you learn it in tarot or something?  It rings true for me because the instant I felt my lowest, she came in feeling her best and then it was like I was rejuvenated.  I can't explain it.

And yeah, I haven't been eating very many veggies lately.  I had only cooked once in the last week.  I've just been so tired.  JT and the boys would eat out and I think I lived on potato chips for a week because it was the easiest thing to grab and I wanted to make my trips to the kitchen as quick as possible so I could run back to bed and rest.

In all honesty, whether it was God or some other higher force, SOMETHING was going on here.  I know how depression works and it wasn't just a "depression" I was dealing with.  Even though you can and do have happy moments while depressed, the physical ailments that were coming along with it would not have instantly cleared up like that.  I slept for 5 hours last night right beside her and I feel like I've slept a week. I'm rested, alert, and full of energy.  My chest doesn;t feel heavy, I'm breathing easier, and have no pain at all.

I guess if any of you ever thought I truly was insane, this is only going to confirm it...lol.....but I swear to you this is the truth.  I lost my sister in 1988 and although, obviously I grieved, I never had the physical symptoms I had this past week.  I've just never experienced anything like this.  Weird.

It raises all kinds of questions in my head like......was this some kind of test?  Was there a purpose behind it?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  Why was I given a 2nd chance with her?

I guess I've turned into the "crazy woman on the hill with the cat"...lol

Katz...its funny that you bring that up....about when her time does finally come...and it will.....because we talked about that last night...lol.

I think for me, it was the emotional roller coaster that went from "oh no sh'e shot and may die" (and seeing the blood everywhere), to "she's going to live and just lose a leg", then going back down again to "she ran out the door and was gone for 6 days".....now back up to "she's home and appears to be healed".  That, coupled with the recent loss of the ducks and goat (I hate for any animal to die), I think was compounded and just dragged me down all at once.

In all honesty, I could have been "at peace" with having her body to bury if she had died.  I'm a rather nosey person.  It's normal for me to ask questions and analyze things......and the fact that I just did not know where she was, was more than I could take.

Hopefully, for my sake, when her time does come, I won't have all the other things to deal with and she wont go in such a brutal way.  Still though, I do question my severely strong attachment to her.  I know from working with people in the past that we sometimes use animals as an outlet (subconsciously) for our deepest emotions.  Even though they cannot *understand* us, we reveal things to animals in verbal use and body language that we would not ever reveal to the people we are closest to.  We even brought animals into use in our clinic to try and help kids open up.  Watching people's body language around animals is one of the easiest ways to tell things about someone.  The irony is that I can't apply these things to myself because I'm not on the outside looking in, in this case.  I am the one on the inside this time.

*Generally speaking*, people who are closest to animals have had some form of abuse in the past.  They place their trust in an animal instead of a human.  People who abuse animals are very agressive and controlling to other humans, and people who don't care either way were mentally neglected as a child and never learned to form bonds with others.  Now, thats not cut and dry, but it is a general rule of thumb.

My attachment to her may very well stem from abuse I recieved as a young child, but again, it's so hard to place that on myself because I cannot look at myself in an unbiased way - no one can.  Still, when I try to view it as if it were someone I were working with, that would be my first thought.  I'm going to call a former colleague of mine and get her insight on it.  I feel there is something going on inside of me that I'm just missing somewhere and she can shed some light on it for me.

Like you and your kitten, I had accepted that she was dead and would never see her again.  Thats why it was such a shock when JT brought her in last night.

Kitty, I have been to FiasCo's site many times.....its a HUGE site and I'm reading a little at a time.  Them folks know their goats!...lol.  I haven't read the info you posted yet (while on their site) but I've always valued their info and will have to get to reading today!...

I do remember Iman......but don't think I've ever seen any pics of her.....(hint, hint)...lol

That green mixture sounds awesome!  If JT ever makes it "big"....lol.....I'm gonna pay you to come cook for us!  You always make the best sounding food!

WOO HOO!!!!   It is absolutely wonderful news that Napster is home safe & sound!  As much as all of us love all of our furpals, I truly believe that most will admit that there is one that is truly our "heart dog" or "heart cat".  There is just that "it" or unfathomable connection that isn't quite there with any of the others.  It doesn't take anything away from the relationship we have with our other pets, it's just got a little extra special something.  I think that is what you have with Napster. 

I think it is the combination of all that has gone on in your life these past fews months including your surgery, your tension filled trip to help the hurricane victims, the turmoil of the problems after your return with the paperwork, etc.,  losing the baby ducks, the fact that an idiot actually shot Napster and the roller coaster ride that caused going from wondering if she was going to survive and then on to whether she'd need surgery.  Then she got out and was missing which increased your anxiety level.  It was the unknown and imagining the worse and thinking she passed alone without your loving nearness to ease her way. That, I think, was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and put you right down into that dark state you found yourself in.

And yes, I have always felt that depression isn't just emotional.  I know after I lost my hubby within 2 mos. after my having a cancer scare and having a complete hysterectomy I spiraled down into a depression. I was also tired, suffered from headaches & general aches & pains, nothing tasted good therefore I really didn't eat which resulted in weight loss (which was the only good result),  I had self-induced isolation from others even though many dear friends tried their best.  The only ones I would let close to me were my 2 grandsons and Farley & Chloe.  Thankfully I finally realized I needed help and my dr. prescribed some meds which eventually were just enough to bring me back up.  I wasn't completely "normal" for some time but was back in the world again.

The joy you experienced when JT brought Napster into you was exactly what you needed.  You no longer had the "unknown" to deal with and I think the unknown is one of the hardest things to have to contend with.  I'm no dr. but I think the extreme happiness you felt at that moment triggered your body to release some chemical reaction that it had been suppressing which released your body from the physical ailments you had been experiencing.  What else could cause such an instantaneous result?  Logically speaking it makes sense to me although scientifically it may be a bunch of malarky.

Speaking of which - I truly believe there is much that goes on in this world that is beyond scientific explanation.

I am another one who tells all my innermost dreams, secrets, worries & cares to my dogs.  They don't judge me based upon what I say, don't tell me to get over it, don't tell me I'm just be silly feeling that way and don't distance themselves from me because they are tired of hearing my ramblings.  Farley is my heart dog and my faithful friend has never let me down. 

People who don't care about animals just can't understand how those of us who do can be so upset when something sad happens to them.  They don't understand the connection and I really do pity them for not getting all the joy that the rest of us experience. 

Again, I am so happy Napster is home with you.  You are a special lady who truly deserves much happiness.