First of all, I would like to say to your Husband and his Mother, I'm sorry for their loss.

I'm not a great talker, but I'm a great listener and a reader. I read Taylor's blog. I was so saddened by his pain and his need to be heard and understood. He didn't understand himself, could not explain himself, could not accept himself. He was at war with whom he really was. All his drama was a focus for attention. For all the attention he would try receive from others, would divert away from the turmoil from within himself.

I can sympathize with your feelings of not wanting to deal with Taylor's drama. It had nothing to do with your life, with the exception on how it effected your Husband. You might have felt as if it was an intrusion. You might not have liked how unhappy it made your Husband feel. Resentment is normal. Nobdy wants to see someone we love be unhappy.

But I also read JT's personal blog. His entry on how surreal the thought of his little Brother not living here anymore was more than his heart could accept. His mind and heart was disconnected. Not only was he feeling a loss of his baby Brother, but he is anguished with the fact he couldn't give him what he was seeking. Wanting to feel Normal and content. In all of Talyor's dramas, JT was his little Bother's keeper.

When someone dies that is close to us, we want to keep what remains as close as possible. A picture, a lock of hair, a drawing, a piece of clothing, a kitten. If we can hang on to just one thing, then the one we love isn't totally gone. This little kitten loved Taylor when Taylor couldn't love himself. Taylor's kitten just might have been the last one to listen to his pain.

You may feel this kitten represents the resentment you felt for all the drama Taylor put between you and JT. The kitten is only the innocent bystander. To JT, the kitten is the last link to his Brother. The last thing his Brother touched. The last thing his Brother confided in.

I think the kitten will play a huge part in JT's healing. By caring for the kitten, he can do for the kitten what he couldn't do for his Brother, make Him happy. The kitten sounds like he's acting normal for a kitten, and eventually he will become a normal well adjusted cat. You just have to get past the fact that he was Taylor's kitten. Let JT bond with the kitten. Let him feel connected with his Brother.

JT and his Mom are going to cling to one another now. Their losses are something only they can share. It's nothing to become insecure about. You represent his future, his memories with his Mom is now his past.

By accepting his Brother's kitten, is to acknowledgment his own grief.

I hope you don't think I've overstep my bounds. I've dealt with my own grief over the years. I know how much we want to hang on to someone and how much we wish we could have made things different. 

PitPat,

You worded that so beautifully....and so correctly.  Sometimes we just need to hear it from another person.  None of us on this end are thinking clearly at the moment.

I do believe you hit the nail on the head when you said I saw this kitten as a symbol of the resentment I had for JT's brother.  I "know" the kitten has no part in what happened, and to me it's just something that reminds me of his brother.  What makes this even harder is that I'm feeling this about someone who is dead.  JT has totally bonded with "Smeagol" the kitten, and I have not pressed the issue about us not keeping the kitten.  I suppose I won't.  It would not be right of me.

JT and his mom have become so consumed in getting revenge for what happened to Taylor that they are forgetting the important things.  Taylor had lent a "friend" his car several weeks before his death.  The guy refuses to give the car back and now says Taylor sold him the car.  JT's mom still has the title to the car (in Taylor's name) so unless the guy burns the car or tears it up somehow, they will get the car back.  But....(mainly JT) is so enraged with this guy and doesn't want the cops to handle it.  He is gathering up a posse to go and beat the crap out of this guy.  This is so not like JT. 

He is acting out on anger right now and anger is the 2nd step in grief - so that part is normal, however, the extent he is taking it is not normal.  Every time I try to step in and make things seem logical for him, his defense mechanism goes up and it all goes back to the resentment I had towards his brother.  They think I'm trying to be resentful still.....and thats truly not it, its just that I am able to look at the situation objectively and see that they are going too far.  I've always been the one to step in and make sense of things, but this time because I am directly involved - no one will listen.  That is normal and is also the reason a psych will not treat the same members of a family.

This is so hard.  I either step back and end up possibly watching JT go to jail (or worse) or I keep doing what I'm doing and risk damaging our own relationship.  It is honestly not my place to give "professional" advice to my husband.  I can't even do that legally.  So the only thing I can do is to step back and hope.

He has been really good towards me the last day or 2.  I'm just supporting him every way I can.  There is always that underlying issue though....about how I felt about Taylor and how I feel now.

Since you have read Taylors blog, you know the problems and drama I speak of.  I simply could not risk my own career or life at the time just to "be best buds" with him and his lifestyle.  I will say, that I have no doubt Taylors problems begain with the death of his father.  He just never got over it.  It's a shame because he was SO talented in cosmetics and music.  He could have been a millionaire.  I never hated Taylor, I just hated the person that his problems made him become.  It was the "problems" I hated - not him.  It's really hard to get my mother in law to see that.  He always tried to overcome them, but ended up going back down the same road.  My stand was that when he was 'better' for one year, I could welcome him back.  From what I understand, he made it 2 months before his death.  It's that 2 months that has my MIL upset with me - because I didn't take the time to get to know him then.  For me, I had just seen the yo-yo scenario happen so many times with him......2 months was not enough time.

JT has spent most of each day at his moms this week.  Tomorrow will be a week since Taylor's death.  He has an enormous workload piled up here with his music and all he thinks about is getting revenge, and him being the one to get the car - not the cops.  It's like he doesn't even remember that he has a business here that he runs.  I can take up the slack around the house, but his music....I can't do any of that.  I've just been explaining to people whats going on and so far all have been very understanding.

Still, they haven't even began to plan a Memorial Service yet....which they say they will do....but when?  Friends are calling me and asking what is taking so long - they want closure.  I don't have any answers for them and don't direct them to call the mother because she has enough on her right now.

It's like everything has left their lives except for the need for the feeling of revenge, and it makes it hard for the other friends and family to understand.

I'm just taking it day by day.  Thanks for letting me vent here about it.  I don't feel like I have to walk on egg shells here and I appreciate that.

PitPat...thanks again for your wonderful analogy.  I guess the kitten will be staying.