Here's a sampling from 50 unopened e-mails sent to me by my former landlord, a kind man with wayyyy too much time on his hands. Enjoy. Cheri.
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a Famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a Diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and My husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want The b##ch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
The Indian and the Buffalo > > An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, Want coffee."The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Subject: Only in America A news article from a Florida Newspaper: When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
- The Black Panties... Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Subject: Fw: Lovemaking tips for seniors >1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in
>bed with you. > >2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle. > >3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! > >4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. > >5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember. > >6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. > >7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete >what you started. > >8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. > >9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news. > >10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
> >* A French Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people >with >declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the >mouse. > >Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is â?oNot Now!â??
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There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
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Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
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Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes.
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Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
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Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's
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When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
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A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher that you want a speaking part."
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Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
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Q - How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb?
A (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want I should bother anybody.
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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself" she replied.
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Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing."
[Redneck mom writes her boy] Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havn't seen them since.
It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but already had this sealed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FromSubject: Answer to the age-old question... WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before he goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how he experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish his life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M and I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from Texas A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek..."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
No Parent Left Behind
These are notes written by parents in an Alabama school district... (spellings have been left intact.)
1-- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2-- Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3-- Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4-- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5-- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6-- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7-- Carlos was absen yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8-- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9-- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10-- Please excuse Ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11-- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [Note: The words in ( )'s were crossed out].
12-- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13-- Vickie was absent yesterday because she missed her bust.
14-- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15-- I kept Billie home to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16-- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17-- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18-- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19-- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20-- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21-- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22-- Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23-- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat. And fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
