Here are a few email forwards I've gotten. I thought you'd all appreciate them since there a lot of funny junk posted here

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Fwd: Happy New Year!

I Am Resolved.

I am willing to face facts. I have never been any good AT ALL at keeping New Year’s Resolutions.

So I have decided to keep the Resolutions of others. Wheeeee, this ought to be fun!

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1. You Resolve to lose a few pounds? No problem, I’ll just take that last crème puff off your hands.

2. You givin’ up Hootchie Wimmin fer good? Fine by me. We’ll do Gay Bars all the way, Baby…

3. Diet Coke? What are coke fiends, I mean, friends for?

4. Trying to reduce clutter in your life? I’ll send my man over. I plan on opening a Museum of Useless Crap.

5. Going to start an Exercise Program? I have been called the Exorcist numerous times…

6. Want to quit spending money willy-nilly? Please, allow me. I’LL spend it for you, thereby assuaging you of all guilt.

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Fwd: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
   
   
   
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
   
   
   
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
   
   
   
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
   
   
   
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
   
   
   
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
   
   
   
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
   
   
   
8. Don't use any punctuation marks.
   
   
   
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
   
   
   
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
    
    
    
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
    
    
    
12. Sing along at the opera.
    
    
    
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
    
    
    
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 
    
    
    
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 
    
    
    
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
    
    
    
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won! third time this week!!!!!"
    
    
    
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
    
    
    
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
    
    And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
    
    
    
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

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Fwd: Things to Do in an Elevator

1. When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
   
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
   
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
   
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
   
5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
   
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
   
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
   
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
   
9. Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
   
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
    
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
    
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
    
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
    
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's OK, don't panic, they open again!"
    
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
    
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
    
17. Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
    
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
    
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
    
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
    
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
    
23. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on."
    
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

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I have more but I'm not sure how long this would be if I posted it all