A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000, has the surgery, and is very satisfied with the results.
On her first day out, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiti! ng for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around veryslowlyandcarefully.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old ! man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No, I won't get mad", she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.
Spring and Summer are upon us, enjoy each day to the fullest
Subject: Blind Man > > > > > > Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in a convent, and the last > > > instruction > > > of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on > > > their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns > > > decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in > > the > > > nude. > > > In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is > > it?" > > > calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side > of > > > the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that > no > > > harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the > door. > > > "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?" > > >
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
