The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room,
then froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you."

Frantically, he looked around the house. Finally, in a dark corner, he spotted a parrot in a birdcage. "Was that you
who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," replied the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot" sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
-Author unknown

WHAT IS A DOG?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

WHAT IS A CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts, and cost and arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither do any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you.)
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Author unknown

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop. Author unknown

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Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
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Spitz + Chow Chow - Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
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Bloodhound + Borzoi - Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
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Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
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Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier - Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
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Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
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Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog
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Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
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Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever - Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
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Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
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Terrier + Bulldog - Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
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Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
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Malamute + Pointer - Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
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Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work
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Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Hope you like em!
-Sandy
(http://www.brittanys.com/Gundog_funnies_afield.htm)