I've kept myself away from here honestly because I feel like everytime I come here I'm getting sympathy because bad stuff keeps happening.
I'm sorry I kept everyone in the dark so long, but I had to get some things right in my mind first. I apologize to each and every one of you for leaving things up in the air like they were.
On July 12th, JT moved out. We are separated. I was totally blind-sighted by this as we were not fighting and there is no other woman. I can't tell you the pain I felt. He has been my best friend, my only friend for 6 years now.
He has been through so much this year including the loss of his brother and uncle, among other things. He is severely depressed and has never dealt with depression before. I don't know what all played a part in this but I do know that we have been under so much stress this year with everything thats happened, he is wanting to start a new life and leave the bad behind. He moved in with his mom and has been staying there.
He and I are not fighting. In fact, being apart makes us miss each other. We are taking this one day at a time and live with the attitude that if we get back together fine, if we don't fine. There is no hate between us. He had some issues in his life that he needed to fix, even before this year (we all do), and he says he needs to just start over. We will be filing for divorce next month. I firmly believe that he just wants to close a chapter in his life which is filled with so much pain and this is his way of doing it.
Our marriage is filled with a lot of regret on his part. For the last 3 years of his brothers life JT didn't see him much because they couldn't get along. That is eating him alive right now because he wants those 3 years back so bad. He is associating his marriage with several bad things because the marriage is when they all happened (several deaths, etc). We did have a few problems of our own as well, but any couple does.
As silly as it sounds, I do understand why he did this. It's how he is coping. He says he needs to get his life back to being the man he use to be and he needs to do it alone, on his own. It hurts to hear that because I want to be the wife standing by her husband, but his mind is made up and I can't change it. We are taking this time to both try and improve ourselves and we'll see where it goes from there. This is very painful for me because I love him so much and I can't be with him. I have never experienced this before. I miss him so bad even though we talk daily....sometimes for hours.
I want to be angry with him but I can't because I'm not walking in his shoes. Half the family he grew up with is now gone. He has lost his only brother and his father and he is just 25. I still have all of my family. His mother is all he has left of his original family and I know that scares him. I don't agree with how he is handling this, but I have to give him space to get his own life straightened out. I love him enough to let him go, and in my heart I truly feel someday we will re-unite again. Its the journey ahead that I'm not looking forward to. I have never been much of a socializer. I have no friends at all in real life because I felt I never needed them. It was always me and him - best friends.
I have been facing the lonliness that comes with this since he left and its HARD. My kids aren't always here with me and its just been me by myself a lot of times. I kept thinking....."man, I wish I had friends to get my mind off things". Then tonight, I decide to sign in and I have numerous PM's from all of you. They were all so sweet and caring. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I realized then......that I DID have friends and they were right here.
You all have been so good to me this year, always sending warm wishes my way. I simply cannot thank you all enough. I wasn't expecting all those PM's, but it sure made my morning to get them. Some of you I hadn't heard from in months.....and you all took the time to PM me, to ask if I needed anything, offer words of encouragement, among other things. I only wish I had come back here sooner.
I will not be closing the Furum down....or the FurSpace. Its my little hobby and I need to keep it. When I said that, I was trying to erase all signs of my past. I deleted all my Yahoo names, Groups, 360's, etc. I just wanted it all to be gone. I have not logged into any of the FurSpace stuff or checked emails lately so I apologize for all that. I just had ot get away for a bit. My youngest starts K-5 next week and I will have my days free so I will be spending more time here, I PROMISE. I feel so un-organized right now. I'm a mess. I have to get me a new project going....like finishing the website for one...lol
JT told me that a few of you had messaged him on MySpace but he didn't answer because he didn't know if I was going to tell you all what had happened or not.
Again, I am so sorry for leaving everyone hanging. I hope you understand. I don't know if any of you have ever had a husband/wife leave you but man it hurts. There are no guarantees in my future with him and I have to accept that, and if I'm never with him again I am still thankful for the 6 years I had. I hold no ill feelings towards him - I can't.....I love him. I believe everything happens for a reason in this life. I may never know the reason, but I have to be accepting of the fact that things are like they are for a reason. I want him to be happy, even if it's without me. He has been through so much and deserves to be happy...and thats all I can ask for.....to know that he finds a point in his life where he finally feels peace.
Thank you all (again) for the PM's. I can never put into words how much that meant. I now know that I don't have to walk this journey alone.......because even though we are a small group......we always pull through when someone is in need.
You are the woman I could never be. Through all your strengths and everything you still love everyone. I don't know what I would do in your shoes, but I know many a woman would be quite angry in this situation. I can't say I understand the pain, I don't. I'm not going to lie. I may not post much but i'm always around. I give you *BIG HUGS* (As my family says I give the best )
Losing someone like this is sometimes worse than a death.... because they are still in this world and you cannot be with them. It is the most horrible feeling ever.
You have had such a tough year, but I have no doubt that you will get through this. You are one strong lady! Just know there are lots of prayers coming your way.
I spent 3 hours on the Labrador forum, this morning. I check this one several times a day, if I can. As a hobby, I find it cheaper than buying books, but often as insightful. It is also quieter than music, or TV. Really good to hear from you, Ansy. You are the living breath of this forum. We all visit, and I suspect, we could all be here a bit more or less, at times, but everyone polarizes to you, and YOU ARE THE FURUM. It is your creation, a creation that I was glad to take part in when you first initialized it, and a creation that I will happily devote some of my mental and physical time to, in the future. I have a relationship with a soul-mate in limbo, same as yours. Let me say that the comparisons are absolutely equivalent, but absolutely unrelated.
I am one of the ones that contacted JT on MySpace. I kinda figured out what happened on my own but I wasn't for sure. I found it threw his page.
Ansy, we all love you here and when your gone we are just not whole. We may not always be here but we all do come and check in. Things everywhere have slowed down. Always remember we are all here for you and always will be. What I said at the end of my PM to you still stands, you are always welcome here for a vacation.
Life is so mysterious at times, but I'm happy to hear you're of the mindset that it all happens for a reason. I believe that as well. Good will come of this I'm sure. Whether you meet some new, life changing people (not a 'man', I mean people, girls, guys, friends, mentors, etc) that you wouldnt have met otherwise, or you discover something about yourself that you wouldn't have...something is in store for you. Keep your head up and stay strong, yes, but let yourself feel too. Cry, get angry, get giddy at strange moments, laugh at stupid things, become frustrated.. it's cleansing; purifying, really. And it makes you feel better ;)
We're here for you and it took a lot for you to share your pain, but I'm glad you did. I was worried about you, even though I may not post much, I check every day. *hugs again*
Oh, Ansy. I am so sorry. I just read this last night when we got back. You are truly a strong woman. I believe the same as you, everything happens for a reason. I believe that wholeheartedly. What is meant to be will happen. I have never been in you exact shoes, but my husband is my soul mate and I am not sure that I would be as strong as you.
I, like others, am here almost everyday. I will try to post more. You can talk here any time and it is not sympathy that we offer but support. That is what friends are for.
Good Luck to you both. I hope that whatever life has in store for you gets better then this year. You both need it. I do hope that you both get happy in life, whether that is together or apart. In the mean time, we are here for BOTH of you. If he would like to talk, we are here for him too.
Honestly, this is a pain I would wish on no one. I have been in your shoes. Hopefully in the near future, JT will realize, that his mom is not the only one left in his family. He has children thru you, you are a part of his future no matter what. If the things that pulled him away from you are just as he said. He just may be back with you. You were not the problem.
I understand no marriage is perfect. Yours still has love in it. With me, I could have ended up back with my ex. That did not happen. It very well can happen for you. People get remarried all the time. My heart breaks for you right now Ansy.
Best thing to do is take up a hobby that is something lots of people like to do. Being around people, wehther they are your friends or just new people you meet really helps to take your mind off things that are going on with you. You could volenteer some time with your sons class too. The schools always like moms to help out.
You will pull through this, you're stronger than you know.
I can sympathize with what you're feeling right now. My first Husband left me after the death of our Baby Son only then to discover I was pregnant with our Daughter. I had mixed feelings of grief and dispare. I fell into a deep dark abyss for years.
After being tired of the helplessness and the hopelessness I decided to change my life. Became more spiritually connected with what was around me. Realize my happiness wasn't relied upon anyone outside of myself.
As much as you feel alone, You're not. You have children. And when your children aren't around, enjoy your time alone. Connect to all the good things around you. Exercise your body and your mind. Set new goals for yourself and always challenge yourself.
You're doing the right thing by keeping a amicable existence with your Husband for the Children's sakes. But don't focus your time on his problems. Only he can mend himself. All you really only need to offer him is your encouragment.
I think you will be just fine. You will be surprised at your strengths once you discover it.
Ansy, i am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I just recently found out what was going on. I cannot say i have been through what you are going through since my husband and i are doing good but i can sympathize with JT. I have lost close family too and it is a huge kick in the heart. I must admit i wouldn't be as understanding as you are but maybe you are just a stronger person than i am. When i read your post about closing the furum i was sad because even though i am hardly here any more, i know i can come here to "get away" and enjoy my online friends. Like you, i have very few friends at home and rely on my friendship with my husband. I can't imagine loseing that. You will make it just fine and i am glad we will still have this perfect place to come to. You will always be in my thoughts.
JT and I have talked quite a bit. He came over 3 days in row to visit. We talk on the phone everyday and both admit we still love the other and miss each other.
We had a very short courtship before getting married. We met in July and were married the following March. He was 20 and I was 26 at the time we got married. He wasn't fully grown and I knew it....so him becoming a man of his own was something I knew I'd have to face someday.
During those 6 years, as I have stated, so much bad has happened. He wants to get away from it all and close that chapter. He feels the need to divorce in order to help close it. He is very open (and seems to want) us both to work on our own issues while we are apart and possibly in a few months begin "dating". He said he'd like to re-marry eventually if things go right.
I don't know how that will go. A normal courtship involves 2 new people getting to know each other. The dynamics here are different because we already know each other and love each other. His view is that we will be getting the new people we have each become. He wants very much to get his business going and become the providing man for the family. He has decided to seek therapy as well - which is something he has never agreed to before. He made this decision by himself and I couldn't be more proud of him. Me....I can come off as being very controlling at times. When he started his business I jumped right in to help. I had a long background in office work before going to college and I wanted to handle all of that. I didn't realize that me doing that was coming off to him as me wanting to control and run his business. Now that I look back, I can definitely see it......but at the time I thought I was just helping. I have to work on issues like that where I am so over-bearing.
Since he and I have talked, I don't have as much of the alone feeling anymore. I have hope and I think he does too. It's like a goal that we both want and will work for and hopefully in the end we can have the relationship we always wanted. Ironically, we get along better living apart than we did living together. He works from home and I am always home now so we we're underneath each other all the time. We never had time to miss each other. Now we do and we appreciate when we see each other.
There are no guarantees in life and we both know this. But I do feel much better knowing that he left with the hopes of coming back. I do agree that this is best for both of us right now. it hurts, but I know its for the best. It's kind of funny at times because we joke that we can't live together but we can't live apart. I have had a few relationships before JT but I just KNOW this one is the right one. If I'm wrong and it fails then I'll deal with that when that day gets here, but I know JT and I know how important family is to him. I firmly believe he will be back. Whether or not he stays depends on if I've changed as well.
The kids are doing good. The little one is definitely confused but we are going about it the best way we can. We both plan to be very involved in the boys school this year. He is coming over on Sunday to BBQ for all of us. He is a grill master.
I feel giddy when I see him drive up now. It was never like that before because we are both home bodies and always here. As painful as all of this is, it has its perks. I actually miss the man and have stronger feelings about wanting him to accomplish his goals now. When someone is around all day, every day - you take a lot for granted without realizing it.
I'm sure bad days are ahead still.......and I'll be here "getting them all out" but at least now I have hope. I have something to work towards.....and nothing is more worth working towards than him. He is a very good man with some problems that are affecting him a great deal. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have him in my life and whether its me or someone else some day.....he'll make a fine husband.
I think that 10 years ago if I had gone through this I would have been severely PO'd at him leaving, even under the cirsumstances. But now, I know the value of marriage and how much work it takes. And at this point......its still worth the work.
As a side note, I have forgotten my password on the FurSPace MySpace.....I'm trying to get it back but it may take a few days. I've been doing some major cleaning around here and throwing a bunch of stuff out....old furniture and things. It helps. Once I get the password, I'll start to update things again.....in snail mode as usual.....and hopefully snatch us a few more members.
I'll keep you updated on our journey.....I got a feeling it's going to be a long one.
) 
