Hello everyone! I havnt been on much, but I hope everyone is having a great holiday! I cant believe its Christmas already! And New Years is right around the corner!
So Im having some issues with my mother and Im looking for some advice, I really dont know what else to do.This might be a little long and Im sorry for that.
About 4 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend who was living with me, we were together for about 1 1/2 years. He is in film school full time, and cant work because of film school. My mother, who always tries to help everyone, took him in. So he lives with her in her spare bedroom. I was fine with this at first, thinking it was a temporary situtation until he could find a place of his own with friends. Well 4 months later and he is still there. Him and I are friendly, but being around him is akward, I feel uncomfortable. I've been asking my mom when he will be moving out and she keeps saying he can stay as long as he wants.
So not only is he living with my mom rent free, but she gives him money,pays for things, and is now going to back him finacially in his production of movies. I about hit the roof when i found this out. I mean he is my ex and for her to be supporting him and treating him as though we were still together really bothers me. One of the reasons I broke up with him was because of him and my moms relationship, from almost day one he has lived with me rent free, and my mom would put money in his bank account, she bought him a used car, and the list goes on. I wanted a man, not a boy who my mom was supporting, and for him to always take what she offers really bugs me. (when we first met he lived on his own,and had a lot of money saved, but then he got spoiled)
The more I think of this situation with him living there, the more it bothers me. I broke up with him for a reason, and now i cant get away from him. Its not that I hate him and never want to talk to him, but he is my ex and to have my ex living at my moms is so weird and uncomfortable. He needs to find a place of his own with friends, he needs to move out of my moms, but my mom wont let that happen.She also tells him everything I say to her, and that bothers me too. What if I start dating someone? I couldnt even tell my mom becuase the situation would get even more weird.
Ive told her before how i felt, that I wanted him to move out soon cause its really akward and she just says she likes the company and he can stay as long as he wants.
Lastnight I was really upset over this whole thing and tried to talk to her agian. I was even crying on the phone telling her it really bothered me. She said since he is my ex it shouldnt matter, I told her thats exactly why it matters, he is my ex! I told her I wont be coming over anymore as long as he is living with her and she didnt even care. Her attiude about the whole thing is what really upsets me. Im her duaghter and she doesnt even care how this makes me feel.What mom does that? I know she is probly lonely, she normally lives by herself but then she needs to get a roomate that isnt my ex.
My sister feels the same way I do and since the day he first moved in with my mom, she has been telling her that she needs to have him move out. Everyone I talk to says its weird he is living with her, and I just dont know what to do anymore.
One thing I have definitly decided on is that in any reltaionship I have with a man in the future, she will not know about it or meet him unless I am to get married. I also decided that Im not going to Christmas tomorow, I would rather be home by myself then around her right now. She needs to realize just how much this bothers me and that my feelings should matter more then how she feels about my ex.
My friend told me to give it a couple days and to approach her agian. Which I might do. I am also going to go to a therapist, this whole things is really messing with my head and when I think about it I get sad and want to cry.
I just dont know what to do, obviously she cares more for him then me. :(
I had a similiar situation with my mom, many years ago. For one thing, you must realise your mom is...mine is 20 years older than me. Having a man around, whether he requires sex or not, is very good at times. If I could afford it, I would have a bittie cabana boy, myself. I cannot move furniture, have little motivation to clean, talk to invisible friends all night on the computer, etc. It is quite possible that they are good friends. Blood relations are more important in an enduring sort of way, but if mom has found a companion that suits her needs, you are selfish to deprive her of him. If it a power thing, and she just wags him in your face, it will not last, and she will give him the boot when you are not around to fuel the fire. My mom, divorced from my dad, was melancholy and powerless. Some women feel half there w/o a man around. Your mom has a young vital man there, and this may keep her from a terrible state of being [or it may be for other reasons]. Best to get some distance and perspective, and not try to be controlling, until you decide he is truely harming her with his closeness to her. Don't be sad. Be strong. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, POLITELY decline her company and get a better grip on both your situations. You have all the time in the world, and there is so much in life to do. Write your mom, or call [only], and get things to do that take you away from concern with her lifestyle, then see how you both feel. Don't think so hard and work yourself up emotionally. Love you, Cheri.
True its good your mom has someone there, but can't it be somebody else. Her loyalties should be with her daughter, even if she loves him like a son, why not just call him often. If he cares for her like a mother then he will be there to help her everytime she asks. He's taking advantage of her in my veiw.
Is there any clue of them having a relationship? I think she is just not thinking straight. Not caring for you like she should. Probably alone and desperate enough to risk loosing a relationship with you, her daughter.
Maybe you should find a date and bring him over there, showing lots of affection. See what happens. Maybe the ex won't be able to handle it and finally leave. I don't know. I would be pissed.
When my ex and I split, I could have moved to his moms, but that would have been awkward for everyone I thought, so I did not.
Thanks for the advice Kitty and Puttin. I think my mom is just lonely, she lives in a lrage house all by herself and I think she just likes having the company. There definitly isnt anything going on thats "more then friends."
My sister feels the same way I do, and so does anyone who finds out about the situation. My sister talked to my mom for a long time and got her to finally realize how weird and how bothered I felt by the situation. My mom finally agred to tell him he needs to go, so we are going to set a date and he needs to be out by then. I dont want him out on the street or anything so we will give him about a month to find a new place. Im happy my mom realized how this was affecting me, and im glad my sister had a talk with her. Its just very akward, and since I know for a fact we will never be together I just needed him to be out of the picture. I dont mind if they are friends but him living there was just to much. He is out of town for the holidays and wont be back till Staurday, he doesnt even know whats going on, I feel bad but this is how it needs to be. I also need him to come get the last of his stuff from my house.
I think its best. Tell your mom to start volenteering someplace, like a school, or rescue. So she won't have time to be alone, then perhaps, she can find somebody a friend perhaps to rent her place to.
Syd, I wish I had read this sooner. I really feel for you, having to go through this. Although your mother feels the need for companionship, there are appropriate relationships and inappropriate relationships. This one if definitely inappropriate. Not because of "anything that may be going on" because I don't see any signs that there is (from what you say). It's inappropriate because of how it involves you.
You cannot feel comfortable in your own mothers house as long as this man is there. Those feelings will never change and it will only increase the chances that your end up resenting your mother.
It's hard to say why your mother feels the need to have the man live there. Her having a relationship with him outside of anything that involves you would be appropriate. But given the circumstances, its just not right to put her own child in such an uncomfortable environment.
It really concerns me as to why she would continue to allow this despite your feelings. There may be an underlying issue there that needs to be resolved. It seems you and your sister are making progress. Make sure you let your mother know that you have no problem with her being friends with the guy, you just don't feel comfortable coming around with him living there. If she comes back with "I'll ask him to leave when you come over" then stand your ground. Him living there is not an option. If she doesn't come around to understand how you feel, then you may actually have to stop going there so you can avoid those feelings.
Let her know she is welcome at your house, but you won't be visiting her as long as he lives there - and stick to it.
The money part is a whole other story. If he is leeching off of her then there is really nothing you can do. I have been in your shoes and know exactly what you are feeling. I've wanted to smack my parents before for doing the same thing, but I had to make myself realize that their finances were not part of my life. (It's hard, I know). Eventually, it will come to a head.
I've seen people blow their entire life savings on someone who wouldn't work, only to have that person hate them in the end because they couldn't pump anymore money into them. Then they are left hurt because their "friend" is mad and also because they finally realize they have nothing left (financially).
When we want things to change, we have to change the environment we are in. If you cannot change the environment (like in your case) then you have to remove yourself from it (such as not going to her house).
I truly hope she makes the guy move out. It will make for a more healthy relationship for all of you. She can still be friends with him, but not at the cost of her family. Having your sisters support is good for you. Please keep us posted on how things are going. My ex eventually moved over 400 miles away. Maybe you will be that lucky too!
